NEW YORK, NY — After online rumors regarding the way he looked at last night’s Al Smith dinner, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer revealed his decayed appearance was due to possessing The One Ring for the last 500 years.
The longtime New York Senator announced that he had found the ring at the bottom of a lake during a fishing trip several centuries ago and acknowledged that it had slowly corrupted him, eventually manifesting its effect in his physical appearance.
“Yessssss it’sssss true,” Schumer hissed in a brief statement to reporters. “Found it, we did. Yessss. Now it’s mine. My own. Myyyyyy precioussssss. They tries to takes it from us. The Republicans. Wicked. Tricksy. False. But we won’t let them take it. No, we won’t. They will try to take it from us. The thieves. Filthy little thieves.”
While unsubstantiated reports indicated Schumer had initially kept the ring hidden deep in a cave underneath a mountain, it is believed that he had since relocated it to a secure location somewhere on Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C. to remain close to it.
“We will never tell you where it issss,” Schumer replied when asked about the ring’s current whereabouts. “We only came here to enjoy the Al Sssssmith dinner. Meat and vegetables, so juicy sweet. Return to Washington, we must. To passss more legissslation. And to protect my precioussss from stupid fat, Trumpses.”
At publishing time, members of the media said they had unexpectedly lost sight of Schumer, claiming he had suddenly disappeared before their eyes.
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