Approximately 900 individual proverbs are recorded in the Bible today, yet according to 1 Kings 4:32, King Solomon wrote at least 3,000. Apparently, he was wise enough to know he needed an editor. So what happened to the rejects?
Through extensive research, The Babylon Bee has recovered the following twelve previously unpublished words of wisdom composed by Solomon himself:
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“Follow your heart.”: Solomon reportedly thought this one was great until he realized people’s hearts would lead them to total destruction.
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“There is a way that seems right to a person, and it’s fine.”: Scholars speculated that this one just didn’t really fit with the rest of the Bible.
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“Trust in the Lord with some of your heart. I mean, keep your options open and everything.”: It’s just not smart to put all your eggs in one basket.
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“The fool says in his heart, ‘What can be, unburdened by what has been.'”: If this one had made it into the book, everyone would be a lot better off.
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“Who can find a wife of noble character? No, really. I’m still looking.”: This one was obviously written before he racked up 700 wives.
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“The fear of your wife is the beginning of wisdom.”: This one was obviously written after he racked up 700 wives.
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“A joyful heart is good medicine, but also vaccines. You should have, like, 10 boosters by now.”: In hindsight, Solomon probably dodged a bullet by not having this one included.
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“Blessed is the man who remains seated until the cabin door is open, while the fool stands up as soon as the plane reaches the gate.”: For he shall be standing there like a goof for (what feels like) all eternity.
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“Wise is the man who does not order Taco Bell during a long road trip.”: It doesn’t require supernatural wisdom to figure this one out.
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“Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life. Also, be careful with your lower back. Your lower back impacts EVERYTHING, and once it’s gone, it’s GONE, you know?”: Theologians believe Solomon wrote this proverb once he reached his early 40s.
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“Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, so feel free to just find another woman.”: Perhaps the proverb Solomon followed most closely.
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“They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.”: The deepest wisdom of King Solomon, on full display.
Wow! Such wisdom! One can only wonder why God left these on the cutting room floor.
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