WITTENBERG — Reformed leaders announced this week the creation of an anime John Calvin to fight against the Roman Catholic Church’s character Luce in an epic Dragon Ball Z-style battle.
“It’s time to fight back,” said Calvinist leader John Piper. “And we know that anime John Calvin will win, because he was predestined to be victorious.”
Clad in battle robes and bearing flowing locks and a beard of intimidation, the new anime John Calvin character was created to defeat Luce in one-on-one combat. “Luce doesn’t stand a chance,” said pastor and theologian James White, proudly holding up a sketch of anime John Calvin he doodled on a napkin at a Waffle House. “His power is unlimited – unlike the atonement.”
In addition to formidable theological knowledge, anime John Calvin can shoot energy blasts and throw fiery parchments of theses at his foes, all while being “100% theologically accurate” and having a really, really smug look on his face.
At publishing time, Protestants and Catholics had agreed to have anime John Calvin and Luce face each other in battle in the ruins of the Roman Colosseum, with the winner earning the right to face off against anime Muhammed for total global religious supremacy.
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