WASHINTON, D.C. — Presumptive cabinet member and amateur bodybuilder Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. was reportedly attacked late last night by a gang of assailants matching the description of Count Chocula, Chester Cheetah, and the Kool-Aid Man.
Police arrested the beloved food mascots in connection with the attack that left RFK, Jr. with a black eye, split lip, and orange Cheeto dust all over his face and torso.
“They came out of nowhere,” Kennedy told police. “I was just walking along when suddenly someone shouted ‘Oh yeah!’ as he jumped out of the shadows. The next thing I knew, these three goons were pounding on me. Thankfully, I managed to fight them off and run away. I think one of them was dressed like Dracula but he smelled vaguely like chocolate.”
A police spokesman said authorities believed the attack was retaliation for Kennedy’s hardline stance against processed foods. Health advocates have reported similar attacks across the country on other public figures and warned that anyone promoting a healthy diet may be a target.
The cartoon characters remained defiant when appearing in court. “Don’t you know I’m part of a complete breakfast?” Count Chocula shouted at his arraignment. “We’re not going to just stand here and watch America get healthy. Kennedy can take his kale and shove it.”
At publishing time, authorities had also arrested the Keebler elves after finding them lying in wait for Kennedy in his guest suite at Mar-a-Lago.
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