WASHINGTON, D.C. — Panicked sources within the nation’s capital expressed fear that the entire governmental bureaucracy that had been methodically built up over the last century was about to be dismantled by an Indian guy and an autistic African American obsessed with rockets.
The vast federal mechanisms put in place to make even the simplest and most straightforward tasks take years to accomplish and cost billions of taxpayer dollars now faced elimination at the hands of what federal officials referred to as “two total outsiders with weird names.”
“Who do these guys think they are?” one high-ranking official asked under the condition of anonymity. “We’ve been working hard to make government as bloated and inefficient as possible for decades, and this rocket guy and Indian are going to ruin everything.”
When reached for comment, the autistic African American confirmed the reports. “I like rockets,” he said.
According to government insiders, every three-letter agency in the country had already given its employees orders to barricade themselves in their offices and not give in despite having little hope of resisting the coming purge for any length of time.
“You can bet we’re going to put up a fight,” the anonymous government official continued. “Granted, it will most likely be a very poorly organized and inefficient fight, using hundreds of employees to accomplish very little, but still.”
At publishing time, sources confirmed that the Department of Homeland Security was being replaced by one hot chick with a shotgun.
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