U.S. — In response to an alarming new trend of women vowing to abstain from sex because Donald Trump was re-elected president, conservative husbands across the country have chosen to fall on their swords and have twice as much sex to save America’s birth rate from further decline.
“I will do what I must,” said Ben Hill, a husband and father from North Dakota. “I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and make sweet love to my wife even more to make up for all the liberals not having sex.”
The idea of having more intercourse to make up for all the people not having any was reportedly originated by Jeff Narvin a man who, coincidentally, was not getting any.
According to sources, Narvin first broached the subject by appealing to his wife’s sense of patriotism. “We have to do it, honey,” he said. “We have no other option. It’s for America.”
Narvin’s wife, Lizzie, reportedly responded by reminding Edgar that she loved him but wasn’t about to “put out” just because other people weren’t. However, her argument was eventually decimated by Edgar’s facts and logic.
“Not everyone can carry this burden,” Narvin said. “Few men receive this calling, but those who do must answer it. We will do what we must.”
At publishing time, the movement was ruled an abject failure after a sudden pandemic of headaches had apparently spread across the conservative female population.
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