U.S. — In the aftermath of what was a bitter and contentious presidential election season, signs of national unity began to appear, as Democrats and Republicans across the country found common ground in rooting for Jake Paul to get punched in the face.
Though members of each party had spent the last several years aggressively seeking to tear each other apart due to differing views on a wide range of political and social issues, they discovered they all shared a deep-seated desire to see Jake Paul get obliterated by Mike Tyson.
“It’s beautiful to see our nation coming together again,” said newly elected Senate Majority Leader John Thune. “Politics is often a mean and nasty business, with people doing whatever they have to do to tear down their opponents. We now have a glimmer of hope, however, as we join each other in wishing painful bodily harm upon Jake Paul in his fight with Mike Tyson. On this night, Democrats and Republicans are all brothers and sisters.”
Democrats agreed that tonight’s fight was an occasion to put aside all differences and unite for the good of the country. “This goes far beyond party divisions,” said Senator Chuck Schumer. “The desire to see Jake Paul get punched in the face is the same desire that is inside all of us. This is what democracy is about — working together toward a common goal… with that goal being watching Tyson beat Jake Paul senseless.”
At publishing time, President-Elect Donald Trump issued a brief statement acknowledging the nation’s newfound unity: “God bless America. And may God have mercy on Jake Paul’s soul.”
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