Nicole Kidman explains why she wakes up ‘crying and gasping’ at 3 am

Nicole Kidman has mortality on her mind.

The Oscar winner recently mourned the death of her mother Janelle, who passed away in September at age 84. The 57-year-old lost her father, Anthony, in 2014.

In an interview published on GQ Monday, the actress admitted that her emotions have been “even more” close to the surface as she reflects on her future.

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“Mortality. Connection. Life coming and hitting at you,” the star described as what she has been feeling more deeply than ever.

“And [the] loss of parents and raising children and marriage and all of the things that go into making you a fully sentient human,” she admitted. “I’m in all of those places. So life is, whew. It’s definitely a journey.”

“And it hits you as you get older how… it’s a wake up at 3 a.m. crying and gasping kind of thing,” she continued. “If you’re in it and not numbing yourself to it. And I’m in it. Fully in it.”

When Kidman’s mother passed away, the “Babygirl” actress promptly left the Venice Film Festival and returned home to Australia.

Director Halina Reijn read a statement at the festival on Kidman’s behalf during what would have been her acceptance speech for Best Actress. Reijn, 48, noted that Kidman had flown to Venice only to find out “shortly after that my beautiful, brave mother, Janelle Ann Kidman, has just passed.”

“I’m in shock and I have to go to my family, but this award is for her,” read Reijn. “She shaped me, she guided me and she made me. I am beyond grateful that I get to say her name to all of you through Halina. The collision of life and art is heartbreaking, and my heart is broken.”

“… It hits you as you get older how… it’s a wake up at 3 a.m. crying and gasping kind of thing. If you’re in it and not numbing yourself to it. And I’m in it. Fully in it.”

— Nicole Kidman

Kidman also told GQ how she was with her daughters, Sunday Rose and Faith Margaret, who were 4 and 6 years old at the time, when her father passed away. The outlet described Kidman as “devastated and crying” at the time.

“The little one was just so little that she didn’t know whether I was acting or not,” Kidman said about one of her children. She said, ‘Mummy acting now?’ And the older one was like, ‘No, mummy not acting now.’ But the older one was like, ‘You won’t be sad in the morning?’ Because they don’t want a house full of sadness. Who does?”

Kidman said she needed to work through the pain to be there for her family.

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“… Before you know it, you’re pushing through,” Kidman said. “And by pushing through for them, you’re getting better. Because it goes on. That natural line of how it’s meant to go. The parents, then you, then the children. That’s the natural course. So, if that happens, that’s a blessing.”

The “Big Little Lies” star previously shared that it was her mother who encouraged her to pursue her dreams as an actress.

“She’s given me the fire to pursue the career I have because I’ve always wanted to please her,” Kidman told The Sydney Morning Herald in 2020, as quoted by The Hollywood Reporter.

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“… She also carved her own path and wanted her daughters to have the same opportunity to carve their own paths,” said Kidman. “Mum didn’t necessarily get the career that she wanted, but she was determined that her daughters would have opportunities that were equal.”

“That’s given me my life,” she reflected. “And she gave me my life, she and my dad.”