U.S. — To improve efficiency with their time management, sports journalists covering Major League Baseball announced that they would now only report on any free agents the Los Angeles Dodgers do not sign to their team.
A new industry mandate from ESPN, Sports Illustrated, and other major publications encouraged their sports writers to stop reporting on players signed by the Dodgers because the team, with its enormous budget, was signing pretty much everyone and consuming everyone’s time as they attempted to keep up with the news.
“It’ll save us a ton of time,” said sports columnist Mike Shaman. “We can’t keep up with all the roster changes the Dodgers are making. They are signing and acquiring so many players, they’ve already spent more than the entire national debt. Every time we finish reporting a story about them signing one player, we find out they’ve signed another one.”
Journalists were expected to report on other teams as normal because the number of players they were signing paled in comparison to the Dodgers, who sign so many players that if each one were written about in detail, not even the world itself could contain the books that would be written.
“It would actually be dangerous if everyone knew about every player signing the Dodgers made,” Shaman explained. “Not only would reporters not have time for anything else, but the economy would collapse from everyone having to take the time to keep up with the news. It would be anarchy.”
At publishing time, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred had gone ahead and preemptively called the 2026 World Series for the Dodgers to save time.
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