WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eager to join in on low Black Friday prices, excited lobbyists were seen lining up outside the U.S. Capitol to get early bird deals on all congressmen.
In order to create buzz and draw in more potential customers, Congress announced special Black Friday prices on all its members, causing crowds of lobbyists to arrive early to score killer deals on their favorite items.
“You have to bribe early to get the best prices,” said Fred Drummond, a lobbyist for several large pharmaceutical companies. “Last year, we were able to land a dozen representatives and four senators on great deals. Ever since Congress started running these Black Friday specials, our lobbying dollars have gone a lot further. Never before have we been able to influence so much legislation in our favor. If you’re looking to buy off some lawmakers, you can’t beat Black Friday.”
Other lobbyists agreed that the day after Thanksgiving has become the best day to put a few congressmen in your pocket. “In this economy, you have to shop around for the best deals,” said Lawrence Perkins, a lobbyist for prominent tobacco corporations. “We all want to buy some influence, but it’s always great to get it done without breaking the bank. Thankfully, Black Friday provides a great chance to score some sweet deals on bribes.”
At publishing time, a number of lobbyists revealed they had been contacted by Hunter Biden to take advantage of his huge “going out of business” sale.
There’s lots to be thankful for, libs!
