WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yet another of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees continued to face an uphill battle for conformation from the Senate, as potential Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was deemed “morally unqualified” by a room filled with satanic pedophiles.
Discussions continued on Capitol Hill, with Hegseth remaining adamant that he would fight to gain confirmation to lead the Department of Defense despite ongoing opposition from the degenerate, alcoholic lumps in the Senate.
“He just doesn’t have the moral fiber necessary to serve the American people,” said one senator who spent the previous night at a secret cocaine orgy that ended with the disposal of multiple dead bodies. “Our nation’s capital is a place of reverence and integrity, where only people held in the highest regard are placed in positions of influence and authority. I’ve heard troubling rumors about Mr. Hegseth from anonymous sources. I’m not comfortable with voting for his confirmation at this time. I will look into it further after next week’s satanic ritual sacrifice.”
Other senators echoed the same concerns. “How can we trust a man like this?” asked a senator who just finished drinking the blood of a trafficked migrant. “There are some serious questions about Pete Hegseth’s moral standing, and I’m not sure they can be ignored. His character is a big red flag. If he had joined us at the Feast of the Damned last weekend, we might feel more comfortable with him.”
At publishing time, Hegseth’s nomination was reportedly hanging by a thread after a group of senators questioned his lack of experience in sending young men to fight endless foreign wars.
Check out the new, improved, more inclusive D&D.
