U.S. — FBI Director Christopher Wray sought to reassure Americans that the drones being spotted over New Jersey were simply from the United States government spying on its own citizens.
While theories mounted that the drones could be Iranian or even extra-terrestrial in origin, Wray assured the nation that they represented nothing more nefarious than the FBI secretly watching and recording American citizens.
“There is no cause for alarm,” said Wray. “These are nothing but harmless cameras and microphones hovering in the sky, recording everything you do and transmitting it to the FBI and CIA. Please, do not attempt to shoot them down. Also, if everyone could leave their curtains and blinds open, that would be super helpful.”
Residents of New Jersey welcomed the news, grateful to know they were merely having all of their movements tracked by their own government. “What a relief,” said local woman Abigail Montero. “We were starting to really worry what was happening. Now, I can calm my kids down by telling them that all the bright lights hovering in the sky are just government spy drones watching them sleep.”
At publishing time, Wray had assured Americans that any drones seen landing in neighborhoods were only directing FBI teams as to where to arrest people for thought crimes.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we’ve got ten great career options just for her.
