ALBUQUERQUE, NM — A local man paused for a moment today to catch his own gaze in the mirror and reflect on what he had become after spending $2.58 on gems in a mobile app game.
“What have I become? Is this who I am now?” Tim Warner asked himself as he looked disdainfully at his reflection. “I was a man… going places, doing things. But now… I just… I don’t know. I am a guy who makes in-app purchases. God… please help me.”
Warner lamented his fate after purchasing the gems as part of the game The Tower. He knew at the time the transaction was foolish but later explained he just couldn’t help himself.
“I had a lot going on and a busy schedule,” he continued. “But I sat down for 10 minutes and those ten minutes turned into 20 and now it’s been an hour and I can hear my wife making dinner in the kitchen and I know she needs help with the kids but I’ve just got four more levels to go and if I buy just a few gems I can make it. That’s not a big deal, right? I’m still normal, right? Right?”
Warner admitted that he would confess his actions to his family and close friends and look into joining an accountability group at church to prevent any further purchases from happening in the future.
At publishing time, Warner had also questioned the trajectory of his life after spending good money on a stupid tactical multi-tool from an ad he saw on Instagram.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he’s hanging up the hat for good.
