With only a few days left before the calendar turns to 2025, it’s time to look back and honor some of this year’s most amazing achievements. 2024 was one for the ages, featuring numerous historic events, momentous accomplishments, and some type of election people keep talking about.
Without further ado, The Babylon Bee is proud to present the following awards for 2024:
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Most Christlike Award — Jesus: Though He faced stiff competition from candidates like Donald Trump, Chris Pratt, and Catturd, the Son of God extended His streak of winning the most important award more than 2,000 times.
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Indian of the Year — Vivek Ramaswamy: While Kash Patel, Kamala Harris, and Elizabeth Warren gave him a run for his money, Vivek’s status as one of the leaders of DOGE and the manager of Trump’s upcoming White House 7-Eleven store sealed the deal.
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President of the Year — Jill Biden: In what proved to be a tumultuous year, Dr. Jill stepped into the leadership void to guide the country and cement her place in history books as the most powerful member of the Biden family.
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Best Traveling Comedy Troupe — FBI: While 2024 was a stressful year for many, the Federal Bureau of Investigation consistently provided much-needed comic relief through trying times. By ensuring no crime would be solved, the FBI kept Americans in stitches all year long.
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Fast Food Employee of the Year — Donald Trump, McDonald’s: Never before has a new, inexperienced hire brought such an immediate spike in customer traffic. Diners and media members lined up for blocks to try this young man’s french fries and converse with him at the drive-thru window, making him the most legendary fast food worker in recorded history. Some witnesses even predicted that this lowly fry cook would one day become president.
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Investment of the Year — Hawk Tuah Coin: You didn’t hear it from us, but this is one of the most talked about cryptocurrencies in the world right now. It’s all over the news. Jump in now and pour all of your money into it. You’ll probably become a billionaire. Take this with a grain of salt, as none of us know what cryptocurrency is or how it works.
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Most Likely to Succeed at Killing a President — U.S. Secret Service: While other government organizations are playing checkers and slowly weakening the country, the overachievers at the United States Secret Service stood head and shoulders above everyone else by attempting to throw the nation (and the entire world) into total chaos by trying to knock off a president. Keep not working hard, Secret Service, and you’ll eventually get the job done.
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Ballot Counters of the Year — California: Word has it they’re still counting ballots. From 2004.
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Best Disappearing Act — Aaron Judge’s bat in the World Series: Not even David Copperfield, Criss Angel, David Blaine, or Harry Houdini himself could have ever dreamed of wowing crowds with such an astonishing magic trick as the one performed by the New York Yankees slugger, who made his vaunted power-hitting bat completely vanish on live television right in front of everyone’s eyes.
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Best Film — January 6: The Most Deadliest Day: Many critics have said it may be the greatest, most influential work ever committed to film. We say it’s better than that.
No year-end list would be complete without remembering those who left us during the past year. Like the COVID-19 vaccine, those listed below will live forever in the hearts of millions of people.
In Memoriam:
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Nancy Pelosi
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Star Wars
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Kamala Harris’s political career
That’s 2024 in a nutshell. What is year it was! What other awards are you ready to hand out? Sound off in the comments below.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he’s hanging up the hat for good.
