PERSIAN GULF — Iran’s military command is desperately scrambling to react upon learning the news that Donald Trump had chosen Mitth’raw’nuruodo, otherwise known as Grand Admiral Thrawn, to lead the U.S. carrier strike group in the Persian Gulf.
Thrawn hails from the harsh homeworld of Csilla and is reportedly known for his brilliant strategic mind, his ruthlessness, and his blue skin. He will be tasked with leading America’s Navy against Iran to secure the strategically essential Strait of Hormuz.
“I am a warrior. A warrior may retreat. He does not flee. He may lie in ambush. He does not hide. He may experience victory or defeat. He does not cease to serve,” said Thrawn to reporters. “I will not be accepting surrenders at this time.”
“Thrawn, he’s so great, we love Thrawn,” said Trump. “Tremendous admiral. Very powerful and smart. Not like that transgender admiral that Sleepy Joe had. That was terrible, just terrible. Thrawn is much better. We love Thrawn, don’t we, folks? And his skin is very, very blue. Red eyes. No one has seen anything like it. Just tremendous. But he’s gonna do a great job for us.”
At publishing time, Iran had responded to Thrawn’s Naval attack with a flotilla led by Greta Thunberg and Tucker Carlson.
The news media seems to be having a problem reporting the news.
