LUBANG ISLAND, PHILIPPINES — A federal agent discovered on the remote South Pacific island of Lubang in the Philippines was found to be still investigating January 6 protesters because the news has not yet reached him that Trump is now president and they’re all pardoned.
Researchers studying flora in the area came upon the devoted agent hiding in a bunker and studying Capitol security footage frame by frame. With 44,000 hours of footage to investigate, the agent had no time for anything else, least of all any exposure to the outside world.
“I’ve got you now, Lectern Guy,” the as-yet unidentified agent was heard saying as he reviewed the terrifying moment when a lectern was moved twenty feet.
“Just a fascinating discovery,” said Dr. Anton Zeke, the world-famous Harvard botanist who made the discovery. “He’s like a member of some lost savage tribe. He actually believes Biden is still president and that he’s fighting a righteous war.”
“So uncivilized.”
Though researchers initially tried to convince him that the deadly attack on democracy was an exaggeration propagated by Democrats to push their own agenda and keep Trump out of office, the words failed to persuade the lone federal agent.
“No, I don’t believe it,” the agent said, seemingly enraged by the news he deemed MAGA propaganda. “The director told me to stand and fight until they were all brought to justice!” When he learned that former director Christopher Wray had been replaced by an Indian named Kash Patel he went into a state of shock and researchers opted to withdraw.
At publishing time, the agent was under the protection of the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) who had designated his bunker a world heritage site and monitored the area to protect him from interference from the outside world.
Travis is back on his mission to interview everyone. Next on the list is celebrity chef and restaurateur Andrew Gruel.
