PORTLAND, OR — Local residents were greeted Saturday morning by an atheist missionary who politely asked if they had a few moments to talk about nothing.
The missionary, Brent Miller, was part of a new outreach program dedicated to spreading the “Good News” that there is actually no news, no plan, and definitely no God.
“Excuse me, sir,” Miller said to a man mowing his lawn. “If you were to die tonight, are you certain that you would simply cease to exist and be forgotten by a cold, indifferent universe? Do you have the peace that comes from knowing your life is a statistical accident?”
According to Miller, his mission was to provide “hope-crushing clarity” to those burdened by the belief in an afterlife. He carried a bag filled with pamphlets titled Why Your Suffering is Random and The Comfort of Eternal Non-Existence.
“Most people are living in fear that their actions have ultimate meaning,” Miller explained while wiping sweat from his brow. “I’m here to tell them they can relax. Whether you’re a saint or a serial killer, you’re both headed for the same blackness of nothing at the end of your life. Isn’t that inspiring?”
At publishing time, Miller was seen being chased off a porch after trying to comfort a grieving widow by explaining that her late husband was currently nothing more than a highly inefficient fertilizer.
Babylon Bee subscriber T e e j contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!
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