NINEVEH — After a surprise visit from an Israelite prophet who inexplicably reeks of whale vomit, local residents have agreed to repent of all so-called acts of “wickedness and violence” if it will make him leave.
According to sources, the King of Assyria (may he live forever) has ratified a formal agreement to tear down all idols and stop raping and torturing once the stinky stranger is gone.
“It is time for me to put aside all malice and take a hit for the people,” the king said in a statement. “I agree to stop impaling my subjects on wooden spikes, or cutting holes in people’s jaws and passing ropes through them so I can lead them along like animals even though that is really fun to do. I’ll even apologize. You just have to promise to leave first. Because yikes!”
Ninevites were only too happy to follow their king’s lead.
“Ew! Gross! I’ll do whatever you want!” said Tiglath son of Ninos. “Just leave me alone! You smell like whale barf!”
“It’s fish barf actually,” the prophet reportedly corrected on multiple occasions. “It’s not entirely clear whether the great sea creature who swallowed me was actually a whale. That’s a common misconception.” The locals then responded by pelting the prophet with rotten cabbage.
At publishing time, residents had covered the entire city in sackcloth and ashes to mask the fishy smell.
Meet Devyn. The 16-year-old Chick-fil-A worker who has replaced the entire government.
