GAZA — In a desperate attempt to return to family and friends they haven’t seen in over a year and a half, American hostages being held by Hamas reportedly disguised themselves as MS-13 gang members so Democrats would fight to bring them home to the U.S.
After being held captive since late 2023 with little sign of their elected officials being motivated to bring them home, sources said the Americans still in the custody of Hamas had devised a clever plan to cover themselves in MS-13 tattoos so congressional Democrats would advocate for them.
“Maybe this will make us less invisible,” one American hostage said in a message smuggled out from his secret location. “We’ve been away from our families and friends for over a year and a half, and we just really want to be set free. We heard Democrats are actually flying to El Salvador to try to bring that MS-13 gang member back to America, so we figured this was worth a shot.”
Upon hearing reports that people matching the description of MS-13 gang members were being held prisoner in Gaza, congressional Democrats sprang into action. “Bring them home now!” said an impassioned Senator Chris Van Hollen of Maryland. “If they’re member of MS-13, they belong here. I am demanding that they be brought to the United States immediately so they can be with the rest of their gang.”
At publishing time, American hostages in Gaza were working on a backup plan to stab some high school students so they could raise enough crowdfunded money to pay for their own release.
Meet Juan. He came to this country with a dream to commit crime. This is his story.
