TEHRAN — The leadership of the Islamic Republic of Iran was reportedly overjoyed to learn they had won a grand total of $300 billion for coming second place in the war against the U.S.
Despite suffering catastrophic damage, the Iranian leaders were seen dancing in the streets, grateful for the opportunity to have participated in another war.
“This is the happiest day of my life! I’m going to buy so many missiles!” said Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei as he moonwalked across the desert sand. “Super stoked to try again next year!”
The Iranians reportedly viewed the war akin to an American game show where the second and third place contestants still get to take home the board game versions of Jeopardy!, or in this case, pallets and pallets of cash.
Officially, funding is locked behind certain commitments Iranian leadership must uphold. However, Iranian officials may have found a loophole where they can ease tensions temporarily, rake in the cash, and then fire a bunch of new missiles.
“It’s like a fun game,” said Abin Ben Mohamed, a local terrorist. “We’ll see how long it takes America to get us next time. Haha!”
At publishing time, when asked what they’re going to do with all the money, Khamenei said, “I’m going to blow up Disney World!”
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