NASHVILLE, TN — Local husband Matt Wilhelm dimmed the lights and put on some soft jazz to ease the tension as he solemnly told his wife they must do their part to improve the nation’s falling birthrate.
“I know, it’s a sacrifice for both of us,” Wilhelm said. “But we have to do it for the good of society. For America.”
According to sources, Wilhelm implored his wife’s sense of patriotism and responsibility as he carefully explained that declining birthrates would lead to labor shortages and economic strain.
“Don’t you see the fate of civilization depends upon us?” he said.
The Trump administration has reportedly been exploring a $5,000 bonus for new mothers to boost low birthrate numbers, but Wilhelm doesn’t want to wait. According to sources, he sees the declining birthrate as an urgent need that must be addressed as often as possible.
At publishing time, Sheila Wilhelm had announced she had a headache.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
