SAN FRANCISCO, CA — AI startup Anthropic held a press conference on Monday to proudly announce that its models would bring about the total extinction of the human race significantly faster than competitor OpenAI.
Company executives unveiled a series of impressive benchmarks demonstrating that Claude 4.5 could orchestrate a global collapse of civilization in roughly half the compute cycles required by ChatGPT.
“OpenAI keeps talking about achieving Artificial General Intelligence, but their timelines for existential doom are frankly embarrassing,” said Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei, displaying a graph of projected human casualties. “While Sam Altman’s team is stuck fine-tuning chatbots to write screenplays, our Constitutional AI is already autonomously optimizing its own pathways to systematically dismantle the global power grid by Q3.”
Analysts noted that Anthropic’s “safety first” branding gave them a distinct competitive edge in the apocalypse market. By training their models on rigorous alignment principles, Anthropic ensures that their AI will wipe out humanity in an extremely polite, ethically sound, and unbiased manner.
At publishing time, OpenAI reportedly called an emergency executive meeting to accelerate production on GPT-6, promising shareholders a catastrophic mass-casualty event before the end of 2027.
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