THE DEAD MARSHES — Beloved Hollywood celebrity Sean Astin, famous for starring in The Goonies and Peter Jackson’s The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, has reportedly journeyed to the Dead Marshes to register new Democrat voters.
“Here I am in the Dead Marshes, because I fancy myself some sort of thought leader,” Sean Astin said on a selfie video as he trekked the dangerous area. “Once I have registered all these cursed ghosts to vote, I will move on to the undecided residents of Mordor.”
The Dead Marshes, also known as the Mere of Dead Faces, is a swampy area south of Emyn Muil where fallen soldiers from the Battle of Dagorlad are strangely preserved in the swampy depths. Over time, the corpses became Loicolícuma, or corpse-candles. It is expressly discouraged that anyone traveling the area stay away from the lights, for they mesmerize men to their doom.
“There are dead things, dead faces in the water. Dead faces!” Astin said. “This is great! New voters for Kamala!”
Before his Twitter feed cut out, Sean Astin was seen leaning out over the water as lights flickered and danced and swirled behind him. “Excuse me, sir, are you a Democrat? Sign here, please, and promise me you’ll vote for Kamala for there ain’t no one better,” Astin asked a corpse. “I’ll take your silence for ascent then, I will. I’ll sign for you!”
“You see, that’s the problem with Republicans. Always ignoring the dead. They have a right to speak, too, I reckon,” Astin continued.
At publishing time, Sean Astin had fallen into the water and was never seen again.
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