LAKE ARROWHEAD, CA — The pastor of a local Calvary Chapel reportedly took a leave of absence this week after being shocked to learn there are books in the Bible other than Revelation.
Witnesses claimed they first knew something was wrong when, halfway through a sermon about how the mark of the Beast was probably a microchip, Pastor Bill Davis lost his composure and started frantically flipping through his Bible.
“Whoa! How did I miss all this?” Davis reportedly said before abruptly ending the sermon.
“Uh, love each other,” he said. Then, he closed his Bible and quickly left the altar, leaving the praise team to fill in the gap.
According to sources, Davis suffered an existential crisis. He later recounted his experience with the community: “So there I was, preaching about the end times when suddenly I noticed a little note in the margins of my Bible that directed me to the twelfth chapter of some book called Luke. And I was like, ‘Luke? What’s that?'”
Pastor Davis reportedly asked for a sabbatical the following day. “I was shocked to my very core,” he said in a statement. “I’ve got to read this thing!”
Associate Pastor John Wheeler filled in the following Sunday, delivering a lesson about the rapture. “I don’t know what Bill is talking about,” he said. “I’m pretty sure everything before Revelation is legalese and the table of contents and stuff.”
At publishing time, Pastor Davis was excited to learn there was a book called Exodus from which the film The Prince of Egypt was adapted. “I thought that was just a made-up story. I guess Val Kilmer really was Moses!”
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