BEIRUT — As new reports of further devastation continued to filter in after yesterday’s shocking incidents of exploding communication devices, Hezbollah leaders had begun to think they shouldn’t have purchased large quantities of pagers from Levi Goldbraumstein’s Pager Emporium.
The terrorist organization sustained devastating losses over the last two days, with multiple fatalities and thousands of members injured due to pagers and other electronic devices being rigged to explode. Hezbollah sources pointed the blame squarely at the devices bought from Levi Goldbraumstein’s Pager Emporium.
“We probably should have seen this coming,” said Hezbollah’s Lead Purchasing Terrorist Adnan Musab Vaziri. “When I was given orders to procure a large quantity of pagers, I took it upon myself to find the best deal I could. In hindsight, the discount I was able to receive from Levi Goldbraumstein’s Pager Emporium may not have been the best move.”
Despite getting what was said to be a fantastic price on thousands of pagers, Hezbollah leaders agreed that this had been a valuable learning experience. “We’ll be smarter about it next time,” one high-ranking terrorist said. “We were all excited about getting a great deal on the pagers, but now, looking at my mangled and heavily bandaged leg, I can promise we’ll be more willing to shop around. Also, probably no buying equipment from Jewish vendors anymore. That’s a big one.”
At publishing time, Hezbollah was said to be considering urging all its members to throw out all the Nintendo Gameboys they had gotten for a great price from Crazy Avi’s Used Video Games.
Babylon Bee subscriber Zackary Russell contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!
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