NEW YORK, NY — Sources within several major media and news networks recently confirmed that most legacy mainstream media head editors are now “pretty worried” that the news of the latest Trump assassination attempt might distract from the plight of illegal immigrants around the country.
According to sources at the Washington Post, New York Times, CNN, MSNBC, Huffington Post, and the Economist, newspaper higher-ups are absolutely terrified that giving space to covering something as routine and commonplace as the Trump assassination might distract from how terrible life for illegal immigrants in the US is.
“Quite frankly, this is really concerning,” said CNN host Jake Tapper. “Just think — if people start reading about how there was yet another ordinary assassination attempt on Donald Trump, they’ll forget about all of the hoopla and racist bigotry that illegal immigrants have to endure day after day! I mean, did you know that it takes an illegal immigrant as much as an hour and a half to get a driver’s license and registration to vote in American elections at the DMV? It’s absolutely disgraceful — it’s only a third as long as legal US citizens’ wait times!”
News chiefs in writers’ bullpens across the country have committed to rectifying the possible wrong by posting as much as they possibly can on illegal immigrants’ struggles due to white cisgender powerstructures and also by ignoring assassination attempts, as long as they’re just on Trump.
At publishing time, all major mainstream news sources had finally agreed to cover Trump’s assassination, as long as they could be assured that it would happen.
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