When Donald Trump recently promised that, if elected, he would abolish the Department of Education, Democrats pounced on the statement, foretelling an apocalyptic hellscape of the uneducated should the federal government no longer oversee education in the United States.
Through extensive investigation, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of far-reaching and terrifying consequences of abolishing the Department of Education:
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Fewer tax dollars taken by the federal government: You may now be forced to take your kids to Disneyland this year.
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Children will only learn about two of the seventy-two genders: Unless they live in California, then they can still learn about all seventy-two genders AND how to smoke pot out of a banana peel all before second grade.
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Child might be left behind: This has not happened once since it was declared America declared NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND.
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Kids will learn how to do math the actual way instead of with those weird number lines: Imagine the world returning to actual mathematics instead of the mysterious, arcane processes of Common Core.
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No one to write “this page intentionally left blank” on intentionally left blank pages on standardized tests: States won’t be able to handle this level of complicated bureaucratic fenangling.
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4,400 unelected government bureaucrats will have to find new jobs as CNN correspondents: Nothing is more terrifying than adding more CNN correspondents.
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Kids will never learn how to do anything: Just like how it was before 1979 when the Department of Education was founded.
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Decentralizing government power is always a bad idea: In such a dangerous scenario, freedom may ensue.
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No one will D.A.R.E. to keep kids off drugs: Illicit drugs will run rampant through American schools which is totally different from the way things are now.
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2+2 will equal 4 again: Back to the horrific, oppressive days of the 1950s we go!
Don’t fall for Donald Trump’s evil plan to improve the quality of education for America’s school children.
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