CHICAGO, IL — Former President Joe Biden delivered a heartfelt address reminding the nation precisely why he is no longer President.
In his first speech since leaving the White House, Biden gave a tour de force performance that witnesses say left absolutely no doubt as to why he was tossed aside like an old potato.
Biden meandered through a true cornucopia of topics, sharing uncomfortably racist stories from his childhood and then yelling angrily into the microphone about social security. Some in the audience were not initially convinced about why Biden had been kicked out of politics, but Biden carried the day by doing his creepy whisper for several minutes.
“Ohhhh, now I remember why he’s gone,” said attendee Joe Spindesky. “It’s pretty hard to believe this guy was ever President. Wait, was he President? Or was that some sort of weird fever dream?”
By the end of the fundraiser, every person in the room felt empowered to articulate exactly why Donald Trump is the current President.
At publishing time, Biden had wandered off into a nearby corn field, and the Secret Service was trying to locate him for the fourth time this week.
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