WASHINGTON, D.C. — With time running short, Congress has warned that failure to pass a massive spending bill could result in the U.S. surviving a bit longer.
While millions of Americans including Elon Musk leveled heavy criticism at the bill, members of Congress sounded the alarm that the bill’s failure could slow their efforts to wreck the nation.
“Without this funding, it might take us much longer to completely destroy America,” House Speaker Mike Johnson warned. “I cannot overstate how important it is for us to push this bill through if we want to make the type of progress we want to make to drive the country off a cliff before Trump takes office. Failure to pass this bill could very well lead to the survival of the United States. That’s something we’re desperately trying to avoid.”
“We’ve got to hurry,” said House Majority Leader Steve Scalise as he lit a massive stack of taxpayer money on fire. “We only have one month left before Trump arrives. What can we spend more money on? Forty percent pay raise, absolutely! Biolabs?? That turned out great before — sure, let’s pay for seventeen more. What else?? Come on, think, people!”
At publishing time, congressional Republicans also warned Americans that allowing the country to survive would increase the chances of voters actually getting what they voted for.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we’ve got ten great career options just for her.
