ATLANTA, GA — Local dad Brad O’Malley reportedly disappointed his young children this morning by informing them that the results of his inspection of their Halloween candy may be delayed for up to two weeks.
According to the O’Malley children, whose candy was confiscated last night immediately after their return from trick-or-treating, their dad let them know that “technical difficulties” had resulted in unavoidable delays in completing the annual candy inspection process.
“I’m really sorry, guys, but you’ll just have to bear with me,” O’Malley reportedly said. “We’ve got a lot of candy to go through here. With so many pieces, this isn’t something that can be done overnight. We want to make sure every piece of candy is accounted for, including late-arriving candy from the more densely populated urban areas. We appreciate your patience in this matter.”
The children’s mother, Martha, reportedly attempted to reassure them by letting them know that “This was the most secure candy inspection process in Halloween history.” There were, however, unconfirmed reports that several king-sized Snickers bars had disappeared between the hours of 2 A.M. and 4 A.M. last night.
At publishing time, Brad and Martha had been seen putting up white posterboards to hide all candy-inspecting activity in the kitchen from view.
Babylon Bee subscriber J Swag contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!
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