VALLEY OF SOREK — A local Philistine sex worker named Delilah reportedly approached Samson, the judge of Israel, asking him where he gets his strength but later regretted doing so after the Israelite launched into a 5-hour lecture on the virtues of the carnivore diet.
“They’re poisoning our food!” Samsons said excitedly. “Carbs and vegetables are literally KILLING YOU and this diet cuts out ALL OF IT!”
A relatively foreign concept to the region, the carnivore diet is built around losing weight and addressing autoimmune disorders. Though similar to ketogenic diets — or “keto” as the Kenites call it — the carnivore diet cuts out fruits and vegetables in favor of a high protein diet.
“It’s got so many benefits, Delilah,” Samson argued. “I get higher testosterone from all this awesome meat and my gastric reflux is completely gone!”
According to sources, though Delilah found some of Samson’s arguments compelling, she found his “cult-like passion” off-putting. The longer the lecture went on, the more annoyed she became.
“I get it,” she said. “Some foods are bad.”
“NO! The doctors are killing you!” he said, slapping a fig out of her hand.
Unbeknownst to Samson, Delilah was secretly working with the Philistines to learn the secret to Samson’s strength. However, after several hours of lecturing — and being told eating more meat would make her less depressed — she decided to have him humiliated and tortured instead.
At publishing time, Delilah had cut off Samson’s luxurious hair — hair he claimed was so thick and full because of the abundance of iron in his diet. Local reports said the Philistines then easily carried him off.
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