TEXAS — With the field now set for the Texas Senate race, Democrats are hopeful that the average Texan voter wants to ban steak and believes God is gay.
For decades, the Democratic Party has dreamed of turning Texas blue, and believe that their message of making beef illegal and calling God non-binary will finally be the ticket to make it happen.
“We like our chances,” said Democratic strategist Kelly Sharp. “We’re really optimistic that the typical Texan will resonate with outlawing steak, going vegan, and believing in a six-gender deity. If we know anything about Texas, it’s that they don’t like brisket and think God is a homosexual. Republicans aren’t going to know what hit them.”
Democrats are planning to pour tens of millions of dollars into the Senate race in order to blanket Texas with anti-steak advertising. “This is the year the tide turns in Texas,” said party operative Mackenzie Damon. “We are confident that our message of God’s gayness is going to turn out the Texan vote like never before. The Democratic Party is ready to win here.”
At publishing time, the Republican Party had encouraged the Democrats to spend as much money as possible supporting James Talarico.
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