U.S. — Citizens in the most obese, unhealthy country on the face of the planet have expressed concern that new Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. might try to do a few things differently.
With seventy-five percent of the adult population now overweight or obese, government officials expressed deep reservations about doing anything differently whatsoever. Thousands of employees within Health and Human Services have even threatened to quit if the new Secretary tries to get the country to change direction in some way.
“RFK Jr. is a nut and his ideas are crazy,” said FDA employee Sharon Wilmington, as she slapped a “Heart Healthy” sticker on a box of Froot Loops. “We obviously have this thing under control.”
According to sources, Kennedy Jr. has proposed extreme, outlandish reforms such as reducing processed sugars in kids’ foods and occasionally exercising. “It’s very extreme,” said current HHS Secretary Xavier Becerra. “The man has obviously gone off the deep end. We must protect the beautiful, rotund children of today from this psychopath.”
At publishing time, climate experts had begun to consider that the sea levels were rising because so many fat Americans were making the land sink.
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