ARLINGTON, VA — Official FBI sources recently stepped forward to apologize for the Bureau’s tardiness in stopping a school shooter, as they were all wrapped up taking care of a few dangerous pro-life protestors at the time.
Agent Jim Dolon, who is tasked with tracking and stopping mass shooters, said that the Bureau was really, really backlogged sorting through all the dangerous pro-lifers when the school shooting happened.
“I’m gonna be honest — my bad,” Dolon said, shaking his head. “But do keep in mind that we almost had that shooter. We were so close — we just had to catch and imprison a bunch of dangerous pro-life people who were doing horrible, dangerous things like praying outside of abortion clinics. It’s really a shame, but we did have to get those guys first. Priorities, am I right? Besides, you don’t want a bunch of dangerous pro-life supporters running around or voting or anything like that. Cut us some slack, will you?”
Agent Dolon also confirmed that the FBI had been totally planning on getting around to the school shooter as quickly as humanly possible, but they’d needed to finish cleaning up Jan. 6 grandmas, dangerous Trump-supporting babies, and your uncle Steve who drives an F-150 with conservative bumper stickers on it.
At publishing time, Jim Dolon had also admitted that the FBI was slowed down getting to the school shooter because he was an FBI asset.
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