CHICAGO, IL — In what experts described as the final insult during the last week of what has been a dreadful season, the Chicago White Sox were defeated by the First Baptist Church softball team by a score of 7-2.
White Sox team executives had hoped that taking a brief break from their historic losing season and playing against the church softball team on their off day might boost the club’s confidence, but the plan backfired when First Baptist mercilessly bludgeoned the team.
“Just when we didn’t think the season could get any worse,” said a disappointed White Sox Manager Grady Sizemore. “I thought we showed a lot of fire and desire to win this one, but that First Baptist lineup was just too much for us. That tubby first baseman in particular was just crushing us. We couldn’t get him out. But that’s nothing new for us this year.”
The First Baptist softball players, while happy to get the win, didn’t feel like they had accomplished anything spectacular. “It’s just the White Sox,” said First Baptist catcher Ralph Harmon. “I guess maybe we should be excited about beating a Major League Baseball team, but we need to temper our celebrations and remember who it is we beat. Still, we’ll at least have bragging rights here on the South Side for a while.”
At publishing time, the White Sox front office was reportedly in deep negotiations to sign several members of the First Baptist softball team in hopes of improving the club’s lineup for next season.
Babylon Bee subscriber Ben Mereness contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!
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