CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a beautiful ceremony today, Harvard University bestowed an honorary degree to the pro-Hamas activist Cody Balmer, who firebombed Governor Josh Shapiro’s home.
Though Balmer was being held without bail due to nearly murdering an entire family for being Jewish, Harvard administrators took it upon themselves to travel to the prison for the ceremony.
“This man represents everything Harvard is about,” said Harvard president Alan Garber. “All of us at Harvard were simply blown away when we read about Cody’s courageous stand against the scourge of Zionism. It’s so inspiring to meet a man who believes so strongly in the Palestinian cause, he will set a governor’s house on fire and try to kill everyone inside. While Balmer did not attend Harvard, he is exactly what we strive to turn every single Harvard student into.”
Balmer’s honorary degree will reportedly also come with a standing offer to become a tenured professor at Harvard University. “When we see the students camped out on the lawn calling for death to the Jews, how many of them have the actual skills to make a firebomb and destroy a home? This is why we need teachers like Cody,” explained Garber. “He will always have a home at Harvard.”
At publishing time, Balmer had received competing offers from Columbia University as well as every college in Europe.
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