TELLURIDE, CO — Local place of worship The Church of the Shepherd was accused of heresy of the highest order after its staff was caught handing out LED candles to sing “Silent Night” instead of real fire-burning candles as God intended.
“HERESY!” yelled church member Olin Wilson, as he saw the scene play out before him. “You can’t pass out fake candles to sing ‘Silent Night!’ It’s unnatural!”
Church membership remained divided on the issue, with some believing LED candles were more than acceptable considering the Bible doesn’t even raise the issue.
“Do you think they were passing around candles and singing ‘Silent Night’ in the first century? I don’t think so,” member Eileen Niemons commented. “The song wasn’t even written until 1818. Honestly, the Bible doesn’t even mention Christmas — “
“HERESY!” shouted Olin Wilson. “HISSSSSS!”
The elders and deacons reportedly met following the incident to discuss how to handle the matter. Some pointed fingers at others for allowing LED candles into the church, while others pointed out that real candles were a fire hazard, arguing that it was decidedly “unchristian” to risk burning people to death.
According to sources, the church was hoping to resolve the matter by declaring that, while it’s always better if members agree on how to worship, the use of open-flame candles is not a matter of salvation and opinions are free to differ.
At publishing time, the church had split over the ordeal. Believers in real candles to accompany the singing of “Silent Night” established their own church across the street called The Church of the Real Shepherd.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he’s hanging up the hat for good.
