U.S. — After watching several videos of anti-ICE protesters viciously hunting people down to check their papers, an impressed President Trump announced he will immediately hire the protesters to join Border Patrol.
Trump stated that the protesters’ stiff enforcement of checkpoints, motivation to build physical barriers, and commitment to chasing down anyone without proper identification made them perfect for the job.
“I can’t think of anyone better,” said Trump. “Have you seen these people? They’re so passionate about border security, you don’t even have to pay them and they’ll stand out in the freezing cold to monitor every single person coming in and out. When they catch someone without the right papers, they’re really pretty brutal, we’re going to have to rein them in a little. I think it will turn out fantastic though, really beautiful.”
The protesters have reacted angrily to Trump’s proposal, insisting their actions are nothing like what Border Patrol does. “So, we build walls, designate checkpoints, force people to present papers to enter and exit, and hunt down anyone who doesn’t comply. I don’t see how that makes us anything like Border Patrol,” said local activist Roan Marston. “It’s an outrageous, disgusting proposal. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to run, we’ve got an improper entry at checkpoint 17.”
At publishing time, Trump had announced hundreds of millions in savings since the protesters will monitor borders for free.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
