TOKYO — A new page in history was turned in the Far East this week, with the newly elected Japanese prime minister Sanae Takaichi winning a landslide victory after promising to introduce forks.
The new leader won the election to the country’s highest office after building unprecedented popular support due to her campaign platform that included finally importing and implementing the use of forks in Japan.
“It is new day in Japan. No more eat with sticks!” Takaichi said during her emotional victory speech. “For too long, we have been eating with sticks. No more. We no more eat with sticks. We will import forks. I have spoken with President Donald Trump, and we make big trade deal. We will buy forks from U.S. to make new Japan. There is no more sticks! There is only fork!”
She then bowed deeply to the ancient sounds of a bamboo shakuhachi flute.
U.S. President Donald Trump confirmed that the election signaled the dawn of a new era in Japan. “It’s a beautiful thing, very beautiful,” Trump told reporters when asked about Takaichi’s win. “She called me up, and she said, ‘Donald, tell me about the fork. I’ve heard a lot of good things about the fork. I think it could make a big impact here in Japan. I think it could seal a win for me in the election.’ So I told her we would send them some forks. They eat with the chopsticks, can you believe it? Still with the chopsticks after all these years. We’re going to make trillions of dollars sending them forks.”
At publishing time, Takaichi also confirmed that Japan would introduce a giant gong that would be sounded every time an immigrant was deported.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
