AUGUSTA, ME — The state of Maine has recently continued its struggle for equity by suing the federal government to allow Sasquatch to continue competing in women’s sports.
According to Governor Janet Mills, Maine will “always be a safe place” for Sasquatch to play women’s volleyball or any other women’s sport his enormous mammalian heart desires.
“Deep inside Sasquatch’s hulking muscles and furry coat is a little girl who just wants to play,” said Mills. “We in Maine will never kowtow to the federal government’s argument that ‘sometimes Sasquatch rips girls’ limbs off, creating an unsafe environment.’ Sasquatch has not done that since last Thursday, and that was only one girl’s leg. We believe that here in Maine, no one can stand between Sasquatch and the dream of firing a volleyball 180 miles per hour into a girl’s face.”
U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi has reportedly responded to Governor Mills with a civil lawsuit against Maine’s Department of Education, stating that Sasquatch being allowed to compete in women’s sports is a clear Title IX violation. “Sasquatch should not be allowed into women’s locker rooms,” explained Bondi. “The Sasquatch is an incredibly dangerous quasi-mythical creature which can tear people to shreds. Really, a Sasquatch shouldn’t be in any locker room or within miles of a human, much less driving the lane against some 130-pound college girl.”
At publishing time, Maine had announced another lawsuit to allow “Nessie” the Loch Ness monster to compete in women’s swimming.
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