NEW YORK, NY — Authorities announced a statewide manhunt for Sean “Diddy” Combs, who authorities say escaped from his cell at Brooklyn’s Metropolitan Detention Center by lubing up his body and slipping through the bars.
“Gross,” said Officer James Kent of the NYPD. “Ew.”
Diddy was reportedly found with over 1,000 bottles of lube in his home when he was arrested earlier this week on charges of sex trafficking and racketeering. Authorities believed they had located all the lube, but now admit their search was likely not thorough enough because, according to Captain Chatsworth of the NYPD’s 77th precinct, “No one wanted to — well, you know . . .”
Authorities believe Combs may be headed to Canada, where he will attempt to seek asylum with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, a kindred spirit. Diddy was briefly spotted in Albany but slipped out of the hands of local police because he was too slippery. “I think he’s just constantly covered in lube,” one local officer commented. “It’s pretty gross.”
U.S. Marshalls have advised New York residents to be on the lookout for a “slippery rapper” at every record store, brothel, strip club, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse in the area.
At publishing time, Combs had fallen from a dam while being pursued by U.S. Marshalls, reportedly not because he jumped but because he was covered in too much lube and slipped off the edge.
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