NEW YORK CITY — New York City has moved to adopt a new system whereby the mayorship will be awarded to the first candidate who can bench press the bar.
The contest promises to be exciting, with oddsmakers giving Zohran Mamdani a fifty percent chance of dying.
“This is a way better than voting,” said local man Dean Parson. “We can watch all these sissies struggle and cry, plus there’s a non-zero chance we kill off a few of the weaker candidates. Win-win.”
According to sources, the rules stipulate that the candidates must perform one bench press with a standard forty-five-pound bar, without the help of a spotter. “Just the bar, that’s all we’re asking,” said city official Ben McMath. “In the highly likely event that no candidate can perform a single bench press, the candidates will attempt to perform increasingly embarrassing exercises until a candidate succeeds. We’re hoping it turns out to be completely and utterly humiliating for everyone involved.”
At publishing time, Mamdani had tragically been crushed to death while training with five-pound yoga dumbbells.
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