WASHINGTON, D.C. — Merrick Garland has just issued an ultimatum to racists around the country, warning that if anyone insults migrants again, he’ll be forced to unveil the big guns and call in another bomb threat.
According to DOJ sources, Garland has been getting fed up with the constant putting-down of migrants and the outlandish claims that people make about them, so he’s more than willing to phone up another overseas bomb threat if he needs too.
“If people don’t get their act together and quit claiming that migrants are eating dogs and cats and who knows what, I WILL call in another fake bomb alert from my contacts abroad, so help me Science!” Garland reportedly squeaked at one of his aides, crinkling up his rodentine nose at the sight of another decapitated pig in Springfield. “I’m sick and tired of this rubbish — everyone out there had better cut it out with the migrant hate or I’ll….I’ll…I’ll call in a fake atomic bomb next time! That’ll show those bigots. Get me an iced tea.”
Garland has also threatened to call in fake threats of anthrax, foreign invasion, and alien soul-suckers if people won’t quit insulting the migrants.
At publishing time, someone had accused a migrant of kidnapping their family dog, leading Garland to phone a friend abroad to bring in a threat of a clown invasion.
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