U.S. — President Joe Biden proudly announced Friday that America’s crippling national debt had officially been paid off in full by using the money found in Congressman Dan Crenshaw’s swear jar.
“My thanks to that pirate fella in Congress,” Biden said proudly. “That was one heck of a swear jar, folks. Sometimes it pays off to curse like a sailor. Someone suggested checking his swear jar, and we found 40 trillion… hundred and million… sixty-two… billion… hundreds of… money.”
Crenshaw, who made headlines this week for profanity-laced exchanges on X with conservative journalist Nick Sortor and social media personality Catturd, refused to accept thanks from Biden, instead calling it his patriotic duty to swear at Americans until the national debt was paid.
“It was the only [expletive] way to pay off the debt and I [expletive] did it,” he told reporters. “So, [expletive] you!”
Sources confirmed Biden’s statement that Crenshaw had over 40 trillion dollars stored in the swear jar, meaning he still had some left over to continue trading stocks. This is important, Crenshaw said, because he needs that money to pay back into the swear jar.
“The American people are forever in your debt, guy,” Biden said. “Now we can afford all those Green New Deal programs you hate so much. Thanks for… for… anyway.”
At publishing time, Crenshaw had been reached for further comment and responded by saying “[unprintable].”
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