CHEYENNE, WY — Local newborn Sebastian Weaver III is starting to suspect this blue nipple he’s been furiously sucking on for 3 hours might not contain any milk.
“Yeah, something feels off here,” said Weaver, according to sources within the baby community. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say this whole thing might be a ruse to keep me quiet, and not a source of delicious milk after all. But that’s crazy. What kind of a sick person would do that?”
According to experts, the conspiracy theory that pacifiers, also known as “binkies,” are not real nipples, contain no nourishing milk, and are actually a cruel joke played on children by their parents, has been growing among children between the ages of 0 and 2. “I’d prefer to believe my parents would never do something like that to me,” said Weaver, “but I’ve been nursing on this thing all afternoon and I’m getting absolutely nothing here. There might be something to the rumors.”
Sources also report that Weaver’s father made several desperate attempts to keep the pacifier in their son’s mouth as he had begun to lose interest, including tapping on it, wiggling it around, and taping it to his head with duct tape.
At publishing time, the child had also begun to suspect that his parents may not actually be disappearing into another dimension when they play Peek-A-Boo with him.
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