SEATTLE, WA — Tragedy struck the city of Seattle today as Minnesota Governor Tim Walz quickly walked by a polygraph machine near a campaign event and caused it to explode.
“I’m such a knucklehead sometimes, but I am definitely not a Chinese asset,” Walz said as he walked by a lie detector, causing it to blow up due to sheer proximity.
The explosion reportedly decimated a 3-block section of the downtown area, causing significant traffic delays on State Route 520 and Interstate 5. The Seattle Police Department advised the public to shelter in place as rescue workers secured the area.
Experts claimed the polygraph never would have exploded if not for the increased instability caused by Tim Walz’s constantly waving arms. “The combination of Walz’s erratic gyrations and deceptive nature was a recipe for disaster,” said Dr. Ian Yellen, a lie expert. “We need to keep him as far away from lie detector tests as possible.”
Walz gave a brief statement to the media following the blast to notify the public that he had survived the incident.
“Whew! That was close! I was almost attacked by terrorists just now!” Walz said. “But I singlehandedly deactivated the nuclear bomb at the last minute,” he said. “I learned a lot about working under this type of pressure as a high school football coach and during my extensive combat experience in Iraq.”
At publishing time, 60 Minutes correspondent Bill Whitaker confirmed that his interview with Kamala Harris and Tim Walz had been severely edited out of fear that their television appearance would trigger the remote detonation of other polygraph machines across the country.
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