COLUMBIA, SC — In a tragic scene, local mother of two Lauren Rogers spent her evening today cuddled up with her husband and kids on the couch instead of getting wasted in a deafening club.
“Look at her, sitting at home laughing with her family and caressing her daughter’s hair,” said local woman Julie Anderson. “She’s completely missing out on drinking heavily to ear-splitting music while men try to prey on her. Her loss, poor thing!”
According to sources, Rogers has sacrificed years of opportunities to get hammered, stumble around a club, then wake up the next day with a hazy memory and a pounding head. “Does she not realize what she’s missed out on by having a family?” wondered one of Rogers’ high school friends Savannah Durst. “She’s blown her chance at getting plastered every week with random strangers, and for what? A caring husband, beautiful children, and lifelong friends from church? I mean, doesn’t she want to enjoy life?”
Asked if she would like to leave the couch with her family to go out at eleven to a club and get drunk, Rogers reportedly said, “Hahaha no, I’m good. I’m going to bed with my husband.”
At publishing time, Rogers was enjoying a pancake breakfast made by her husband, totally missing out on having a raging hangover and trying to bury shame.
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