U.S. — In one of the most truly magnanimous gestures in all of human history, the Babylon Bee is officially offering to hire all the employees being laid off by Fake News rival CNN.
“We’re not here to gloat. We’re to help,” said Babylon Bee CEO Seth Dillon. “Look, the Fake News industry is fiercely competitive, and CNN has incredible talent. We may be rivals, but at the end of the day, we’re human beings — human beings who love making up the news.”
CNN announced yesterday that due to massive declines in viewership, several top anchors would soon be let go along with a large number of support staff. “We knew right away that we had to step in to help,” said Babylon Bee Editor-In-Chief Kyle Mann. “CNN was such an inspiration to the Bee when we first started. They’ve been a leading voice in the Fake News sector for decades now. We are proud to be in a position now to help these struggling satire writers get back on their feet.”
Pundits across the nation hailed the Bee’s offer as “the nicest thing anyone has ever done” and “probably good enough for sainthood.” Sources within CNN say several notable anchors are considering making the jump to the Bee as soon as the layoffs are official, including a doughy, spud-shaped guy whose name rhymes with “Frian.”
At publishing time, Dillon had also kindly responded to Comcast’s offer to sell MSNBC, offering a generous sum of $50 and some gum he found in his pocket.
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