CHICAGO, IL — Editorial staff of the Chicago Nightly News reportedly discovered a brilliant hack to save time and energy at their jobs: simply reporting the names of the Chicago citizens who were not shot throughout the day.
“Tonight, we are happy to report that, um, Dave Jenkins and Carol Smith have not been shot,” said one reporter. “Aaannnd, yeah. I guess that’s it. We’re done here!”
According to Milton Jameson, senior editor of the Chicago Nightly, the previous model of reporting the names of the citizens who were getting shot was simply far too labor-intensive and unsustainable.
“Before, we had reporters burning out within a few hours just trying to find all of the people who had gotten shot,” Jameson said. “And then the reporters were getting shot, too. It was absolutely terrible! The current model works much more nicely — we collate the names and photos of all four or five people who made it through the day without getting shot in muggings or drivebys, and then we announce that. Much, much easier!”
According to staff at the Chicago Nightly, the new policy has vastly improved working conditions and added a significant amount of free time to their days.
“I’m just so thankful we’ve switched over,” said Carolyn Kram, a Chicago correspondent. “Best news decision we’ve ever made.”
At publishing time, the Chicago Nightly News had run out of people to announce after deciding to also exclude people who had been stabbed in the day.
Babylon Bee subscriber Questy McQuesterson contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!
BIG NEWS: We made a movie, and you can watch the trailer NOW:
Click here to find out how you can watch the movie when it releases on October 11
