TAMPA, FL — As yet another tragic side-effect of the impending destruction expected to be caused by Hurricane Milton when it makes landfall, experts predicted the wave of Waffle House closures would force crackheads to go fight out in the streets.
The phenomenon known as the “Waffle House Index” — an unofficial scale in which closures of Waffle House locations are used to gauge the severity of a disaster — indicated that the arrival of the hurricane on Florida’s western coast would, in all likelihood, leave the region’s miscreants without their standard location for physical altercations.
“It’s sad to see them forced to fight out in the elements away from the comfort of the Waffle Houses they’re used to,” said sociologist Dr. Bradford Billings. “Many of these vagrants, methheads, and mental defectives have grown quite accustomed to fighting in Waffle Houses. It’s part of their lifestyles and, more importantly, it’s an important part of the fabric of our communities here in the Southeast. It’s a tragedy to see them unable to fight in Waffle Houses.”
One frequent Waffle House fighter was saddened to hear about the closures. “Where am I supposed to get into a scuffle tonight?” asked Crackhead Steve. “It’s what I do every night. I hit the library before it closes to go B.M., I hang out by the freeway exit with my shirt off for a few hours, and then I hit the Waffle House and get into a scrape over some hash browns. If Waffle House isn’t open… I just won’t know what to do. Where else am I going to stab someone with a butter knife?”
At publishing time, Waffle Houses across the area had announced that they would be providing “rain check” vouchers for all crackhead fights.
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